You Cannot Have it all. . .

It is summer. I am working. I missed going to see Kungfu Panda with my kids last week Monday. Our older daughter and son took the little ones as an outing while I worked.
I also missed going to see Wall-E with my kids two days later. My good friend knew I had a lot to do for my book (Images of America: West Linn) deadline and she offered to escort them. I was torn but also realistic. I had too much to do. I was happy that they would have fun without me.
Sort of.
I also skipped a musical at the University of Portland with my daughter and husband three weeks ago and an outing with my sister and kids.
Then on another recent weekend, my husband took the kids camping, again, sans Mom.
Usually, my work as a freelance writer and editor allows me to have flexible hours where I can go to the movies, go camping, go see musicals, but with this deadline looming for my book (which I actually had to extend), I have had to cut back way back.
I love my job. I hate missing out.
I don’t care what they say -- you cannot have it all. To borrow the title from the 2003 movie with Jack Nicholson, “Something’s gotta give.”
My friend, Shelley Mathewson, who is a professional musician and mom of three, struggles with this all the time. She wants to be there 100 percent of the time for her children, ages 18 to 9, yet she loves her music. She thrives on performing, stretching herself, growing creatively.
Yet, she hates missing out on activities for, and with, her children, which sometimes is required.
Every summer Shelley and her family travel to a music festival where she performs for the week. It is a family working vacation of sorts, and her musician husband also plays at the festival some years.
Shelley has wondered if she should give this summer activity up, but realizes it is a way to combine her work—her art and her passion—with her family life. To expose her children to the world of music.
During that week, though she has her kids with her, she does miss out on activities they do while she practices.
But, her children see her commitment to her art and how she’s living out her dream of being a professional musician. When work and our passion intersect, what a gift.
This summer as I labor toward completing my first book – a dream come true – but miss out on some family fun, I remind myself that my kids are seeing me complete a goal. Realize a dream. Do something I love. It does take sacrifice.
A couple of years ago, as I planned my “business trip” (okay, writer’s conference), my husband decided to take the kids canoeing and fishing and bicycle riding. There was talk of Smore’s to eat and crawdads to catch. All this fun to be had while I would be “working.”
I asked my husband (teasingly) if he could wait for me to go with him. While I was away, he could stay home and work around the house until we could go together. I just hate missing out.
He reminded me -- You cannot have it all.

My book website is www.westlinnbook.blogspot.com

NO CHILD LEFT INSIDE. . .

Get children outside to nurture their insides
-- Rather than overschedule your kids this summer, leave time for the outdoors

Thursday, June 12, 2008 SW WEEKLY - The Oregonian newspaper
CORNELIA SEIGNEUR REAL LIFE MOM

Meet Phil Finch. Grandpa Phil, that is.

My daughter, Rachel, and I were introduced to him while hobbling through the Newport Marathon last month. As he caught up to us at Mile 12, he commented on Rachel and me looking like sisters. Flattery will get you everywhere.

Talking to Grandpa Phil helped keep my mind off how tired I was. This was his fourth marathon this year. He is a big believer in the outdoors, in recreation, in physical education and in a movement called "No Child Left Inside."

Grandpa Phil is teaching his grandkids to enjoy all aspects of the outdoors, from running for recreation to gardening to birding. He volunteers at schools to talk to children about nature's significance in our lives, something I strongly believe in.

Having kids outdoors more would cure so many ills in our society. Childhood obesity. Attention deficit disorder. Hyperactivity. Depression.

I told Finch about a book recently featured on National Public Radio called "Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children From Nature-Deficit Disorder," written in 2005 by Richard Louv. It helped launch the movement to get kids back outdoors.

The outdoors provides adventure for kids. It gets them away from neon lights and intensity. It does something for the soul. In our modern suburban world, we are sheltering our kids too much. We worry that they'll get hurt or mugged or hit by speeding SUV drivers. I worry, too.

Louv believes that perhaps the No. 1 reason kids are not exposed to nature is that parents overprogram children. Every last minute of children's schedules is packed with sports practices and music lessons and clubs, leaving little room for spontaneous outdoor adventure.

One mom I talked with recently remembers twirling her baton for hours outside as a child while daydreaming. Let's bring back daydreaming, unstructured time.

The weekend Rachel and I were in Newport running the marathon, my husband and his dad took our four boys fishing. I loved knowing they were outdoors, appreciating nature.

With summer ahead, it is easy to book every minute with camps and planned activity. Let's be honest: The kids can drive us batty fighting, squabbling and messing up the house. Trust me, with five kids, I am there.

But I try to resist the temptation to overplan and to just allow flexibility. To be able to wake up and say, "Hey, let's go on an adventure. Let's visit a new park. Let's see what we can discover."

It takes slowing down and retuning and retraining ourselves and our kids, but it is worth it. A few weeks ago, while we were riding our bicycles on the Old Columbia River Highway, my daughter discovered a rattlesnake nestled in the lupine. I didn't even realize there were rattlesnakes in the Columbia Gorge.

The things you discover when you are not left inside.

Should kids pay for the sins of their parents? I say, let the kid play ball...

So, a mom misses her shift at the Little League concession stand and the league benches her son, her 7-year-old son, who just wants to play baseball.

I say, Let the kid play ball.

The recent incident occurred in Massachusetts



and brings up the question: Should children be punished for their parents’ shortcomings.

In this case, I understand that parents are required to serve at concession stands and such, but their children should not be punished when their parents do not show up.

Perhaps, instead they could have an extra down payment on their sport fees that is later reimbursed upon fulfillment of their work duties.

That is what they did for my son’s ski team. We made a $ 150 payment at the start of the season which we received back in full after we had done our two volunteer sessions at the mountain.

When sports start getting so political, so about money, that they punish children, it gets ridiculous.

In the case of this Massachusetts Little League, maybe they need reevaluate their policy. Or figure out different ways to raise money.

Keep it simpler. Keep it about letting kids play baseball. Not selling concessions.

Here's Looking at you KiddO -- The new oregonlive.com blog

Here's a link to the new Oregonlive.com KIDDO [ie, kid- friendly, family friendly] blog, where I am a community blogger- WriterMom -- http://www.oregonlive.com/kiddo

My first two blog topics - Dear Miley: It's Called NO
and My MOM: The original environmentalist...

Cornelia Seigneur

GIVING HER WINGS - Real-Life Mom Oregonian column

REAL-LIFE MOM - SW Weekly Oregonian
By Cornelia Seigneur
Daughter's wings to take her far, bring her back
Thursday, May 08, 2008
The Oregonian

M y mother-in-law said recently, "Why are you letting Rachel go so far away to school next year?"

My daughter plans on attending Bodenseehof Bible School, a Capernwray college, in Germany -- the country of my birth -- this September.

I responded that I have to let her go. It is what she wants. I try to give my children wings, and I'm happy that my daughter has goals and dreams.

Yet now reality is hitting.

Rachel has applied to work full time this summer with Clackamas County. She says this will help her earn a chunk of money for college.

Problem is, Rachel working full time means we forgo our usual family road trip and the summer spontaneity I love.

I should be happy that Rachel is so responsible, caring about helping pay for college. Instead, I have mixed emotions. I'd rather she just continue her part-time, work-from-home, flexible-hours writing and transcribing jobs, which are just right for us to plan a family getaway, something we have done each summer since Rachel was born.

I'm realizing this could be our last summer together. There's so much inside me that doesn't want things to change.

Yet I know things must.

We have a creek in our backyard. We bought our house 18 years ago for the yard and have stayed here because we love it so much.

The creek is a draw for wildlife, and every year two ducks fly in to bathe there. We have a family story that the same ducks come back each year. When Rachel and her brother Ryan, a year behind her, were toddlers, they named those ducks Cora and Chester -- Chester was the name of an elderly gentleman one block over.

We purchase cracked corn at the farm store for the ducks. One year Cora laid eight eggs in the ivy behind the creek.

In midsummer, Cora and Chester fly away. But once the cherry trees bloom again, Cora and Chester return, confirming spring's arrival.

I've always wondered what makes them fly back every year. Is it the flowing water? Is it the calmness of our yard, nestled in woods and ivy? How do they find their way back?

As I think about Rachel leaving this fall, going so far away, I ponder: What will bring her back? What will remind those wings to point in the direction of her family?

Perhaps it is providing a place of acceptance and letting her know that this is always home. No matter how far she goes, and no matter how long she is gone. I have to let her fly with the wings I have given her.

I am glad she is using them.

And, hey, as I told my mother-in-law: In the meantime, I have an excuse to book a flight to my home country.

Cornelia Seigneur is a West Linn writer and mother of five. Her column appears the second Thursday of each month. Visit her blog at www.corneliaseigneur.com or e-mail her at inaword@comcast.net http://www.oregonlive.com/metrosouthwest/oregonian/index.ssf?/base/metro_southwest_news/1209866102227020.xml&coll=7

SPORTS CAMP IN N. PORTLAND

Last night Crystal and my Bridge Senior Girls Bible study along with Dave Newborne's senior guys group and my twin boys, age 10, drove to N. Portland to take Jima's 6 siblings to the park for a good old fashioned sports camp. While walking to the park, we saw other kids and invited them along. The weather held up and we ended up playing one amazing kick ball game, perfect for the wide age of kids who were there. It was a great time, just interacting, laughing, hanging out with these kids from a totally different world. The mom was at work. I want to do more of this, perhaps this summer, like a Vacation
Bible School. It reminded me of the Sports Camps in Mississippi last year with the youth group, with Rex Dodge and Pastor Jerry - we would pick up kids in the projects and they would come hang out at the church. Swimming, playing games, eating, FusBall.
What was amazing about last night is how God held out in the weather department. It had been an iffy day, but it cleared up for us, and at the time we needed to leave to get kids back to church, it started raining. Perfect timing.
I was worried about Dave's group thinking it wasn't planned out enough but he told me afterwards his group loved it.
Cornelia Seigneur

OUT OF THE COMFORT ZONE. . .

On Saturday a few girls from my senior high church Bible Study that I co-lead with Crystal Fricker met in Canby Oregon to assist at Saturday School which Claudine started for her struggling 3rd graders. After helping the students with school work and feeding them breakfast and lunch as they had not eaten that morning, we dropped them off at their apartments at about 1:30. Okay, we have so much in our comfortable lives, and sometimes we do not realize it until you see how others live.
One of the boys named Angel, what a sweetheart of a 9-year-old, so polite, lives in a small apartment with his mother who has health issues and cannot pick up the apartment. When you walk in the apartment, the blinds are all closed and it is dark in there and you have to straddle over clothes and shoes and food and toys and crackers all over the floor in every room, and Angel’s room had no sheets on the bed, which was two mattresses on the floor; his young mom has two other children who are younger and one is in diapers and she had run out of diapers.
Every room needs help, bless their heart, and we are going back tonight as a Bible study to assist in some small way. We only have about an hour plus, but with several of us we can get a lot done and bring her some hope. The mom said she is embarrassed to have us see her apartment but she is so overwhelmed. May we bring some light into her home and life.
Cornelia Seigneur
www.writermom.net

On Juno the movie

RacheL and I watched the movie Juno last night. Some students of mine at George Fox have talked about it a lot this semester, but I was still skeptical. Another teenage pregnancy movie. No thanks. So, when I watched it last night I was surprised. It was fresh. It was funny. It was thought provoking. As Rachel said, it did not glorify anything. It did not preach anything. It just made you think. It did not have a perfect ending, though tears came to my eyes when Juno gave brith. There is something beautiful about birth, no matter how messy it is. I loved how Juno chose Life – after going to an abortion clinic which was creepy. The prolife person outside of the abortion clinic was human. A girl from Juno’s school. Again, they did not try to make her out to be a weirdo, like most of Hollywood does with anyone who is pro-life. A refreshing movie about a girl that did not fit into the norm and was fine with being different.
-Cornelia Seigneur
www.writermom.net

MOM PULLLED FOUR WAYS HAS A SINGLE ANSWER -REAL LIFE MOM COLUMN IN TODAY'S OREGONIAN NEWSPAPER

REAL-LIFE MOM
Mom pulled four ways has a single solution
Thursday, April 10, 2008 SW WEEKLY OREGONIAN

Home from our traditional spring break trip to the beach, we decided to watch a movie after unpacking, and I once again found myself in a dilemma -- how to meet the desires of five kids at four ages.

Without being told I favor one over another.

Our 5-year-old, Augustin, was clamoring to watch "Cars," for, like, the 100th time, saying, "Because I'm sick and I get to choose." The twins, 10, wanted to watch "I Am Legend" with Will Smith. Ryan, our 16-year-old, who had seen "I Am Legend," asked for the Oscar-winning-but-violent "No Country for Old Men." And Rachel, my outdoorsy 18-year-old, was placing her vote for Sean Penn's "Into the Wild."


Whose movie do I pick? We have one good TV, and no one likes to watch movies downstairs; plus, I like to do things as a family. I do not want to look like I am playing favorites. It's always such a conundrum.

I struggle with making everyone happy all the time. I do not want to disappoint any of my children, and when I hear one of them announce I play favorites -- ouch!

It sounds like this: "Augustin is spoiled," and "You always give in to Ryan," and "The twins always get their way" and "Rachel never has to do chores."

While growing up, I also accused my parents of favoring my brother and sister. And I have proof -- I kept meticulous notes of my growing-up years.

One journal entry from seventh grade declared: "Mama always favors Martin. Can you believe she gives him the same amount of allowance she gives me and I do so much more work? He never does any work."

If my brother and sister had kept diaries, they'd have their own versions of our growing-up years. Good thing I was the writer.

My mom always wanted to be fair with us. Though she was an only child, she saw how favoritism in my dad's family affected my dad, one of five children.

Looking back, I do think she and my father were -- and still are -- fair. Ultimately, though, as my husband's parents would say, parenting is not about being fair. It's about meeting needs as they arise. And making each child feel loved.

Back on family movie night at the Seigneur house, there were just not enough TVs, or hours, to watch each of the movies my kids wanted to see at the same time. So, we watched Cars with Augustin first then Into the Wild, and the next day, Ryan's movie.

Without the little ones, who said it wasn't fair.

Cornelia Seigneur is a West Linn writer and mom of five children. Her column appears the second Thursday of each month. Visit her at www.writermom.net

Cheerleaders beat up fellow teen- One mom needs to rethink response

I woke up to the news about the Orlando Florida cheerleaders who beat up another cheerleader for 30 minutes and posted the beatings on YouTube.

When questioned about it later they said, Oh, I guess we might miss cheerleading practice and, Oh, I guess we will not be going to the beach this weekend.

The girl they beat up has sustained hearing loss among other injuries. At the hospital where the victim was taken, her parents could hardly recognize her.

One of the girls’ moms, who was interviewed on the Today Show about the incident, said her daughter did not do the beating, but also did nothing to stop it, though the mom said her daughter warned the victim before hand. The mom’s initial response was that the incident was blown out of proportion, a comment which Matt Lauer of the Today Show did not let pass lightly.

Good thing. This mom should have been so sad that her daughter was involved in this horrific crime. Sure, she did not do the hitting, but to do nothing and watch, well what good is that. The mom finally did say her daughter should have called police.

This was very serious and no joke. And, that these girls posted it on YouTube tells you how they viewed it. They wanted to be famous. What comes next? A book deal?

The mother who was interviewed should not have downplayed the incident. That was almost as troubling as the incident itself. She should have been so ashamed of her daughter and her daughter’s friends and said so right from the beginning -- not only later when questioned more in depth by the interviewer.

There was note that the girl who was beat up had said some mean things previously to the other girls, and somehow that was reason enough for the beating, which the police called “animalistic behavior,"

No one deserves this kind of beating up. And, no parent should be defending their child who had any involvement in this whatsoever.

Cornelia Seigneur
www.writermom.net

BRINGING BACK SUNDAY FAMILY DINNERS

REAL-LIFE MOM
Returning to Sunday family dinners
By Cornelia Seigneur
Thursday, March 13, 2008 OREGONIAN SW WEEKLY
Last month my daughter, Rachel, and I traveled to San Francisco to apply for her German passport. We added to our weekend a visit with my college friend Meri Bartolomucci and her husband, Ray Bartolomucci, who live in the area.
When Rachel and I arrived on a Friday, Ray, a restaurateur, announced he would cook a Sunday family dinner for us and a few others.
The Bartolomuccis go to church Saturday nights, so Sunday began not with preparation for church but with prep for dinner. Meri and I returned from a morning run at 11:30 to the aroma of garlic, sausage and onions. Dinner would not be until 7.
Though Ray's back was injured, there he was preparing a multicourse meal. Meri said, "Sunday dinner is an all-day labor of love for Ray."
Said Ray, "I grew up with Sunday night dinners."
Meri, Rachel and I went off with one of the Bartolomucci children to tour -- and taste -- two of the restaurants Ray and Meri recently opened. Meanwhile, Ray continued preparing the meal, including boiling potatoes -- 10 pounds of potatoes, to be exact.
"Those are for homemade gnocchi," Ray explained on our return. He taught Rachel how to roll them out by hand.
As family and friends arrived, we found our spots at the table. After Ray's thanksgiving prayer, we began sharing our Sunday dinner. It felt like family.
The evening inspired me to want to begin our own Sunday dinners, a tradition my husband, Chris, grew up with.
After Chris and I met in college, he'd take me to his parents' Sunday dinners in their cozy Milwaukie home, a tradition he shared with his sisters. remember the winter dinners especially, with the wood stove burning and the smell of a roast simmering and potatoes bubbling. Chris' dad greeted us with a hug and we'd hear a warm "Welcome" from Chris' mom in the kitchen.
So, even before Chris and I married, I felt very much at home with his parents -- like family.
After Chris and I married, we could not always make the Sunday dinners. Then the kids and life got busier and the dinners stopped.




Chris and I have created other family traditions instead. But Meri and Ray's Sunday meal inspired me.
Upon my recent return from San Francisco I told Chris, "I think we should make Sunday dinners a tradition like your folks used to do. It's a great way to kick off the week, and the kids could invite their friends. It'll create lifelong memories, as you've had and Ray has."
Chris liked the idea. But he said, "Ray's shoes are hard to fill -- Ray owns restaurants. Plus, I like my Sunday naps."
"Well, I'll be the one cooking," I countered.
"But someone will have to clean," he reminded me.
I'll worry about that part when we get closer. For now, it's all about family.
Real Life Mom appears the second Thursday of the month.
Visit Cornelia Seigneur, a West Linn writer and mom of five, at her Web site: www.writermom.net

LET THE GIRL PLAY BALL!

My daughter Rachel and I were in San Francisco last weekend to apply for Rachel’s German passport as well as visit my college friend Meri and her family who live in Pleasanton. During the weekend, Meri’s niece Hillary had a basketball game in the Oakland Coliseum Arena, which was a huge deal. Meri’s sister Teri –Hillary’s mom - invited family members to come watch, and they all came from as far away as two hours.
Hillary’s team creamed the opposing team by about 15 points, and usually Hillary gets substituted into game in the second quarter, but in this game, she was not allowed to play at all.
Zero. Zip. Not a minute, not two minutes, not 20 seconds. Nada. This was bad enough and then I found out that a couple of other girls, who were seniors, also did not get to play during this game, part of some championship series.
That is ridiculous. I mean, the team was ahead, way ahead, and being able to play in the Oakland Coliseum is a huge deal, an opportunity that comes along rarely – unless you are a professional athlete. What were those coaches thinking? Did they think that they would lose by letting members of their second string play? If they are on the team, they must be decent players.
Those coaches were missing the point of the game. Sure, it’s fun being on a winning team, but those girls who were not allowed to play will always remember that they missed this chance. Years later, it’s not about winning so much as it is about how you play the game, and it is just not fair to leave players on the bench the entire game – that is not a good way to play the game. If the coaches were worried about winning, they chould have substituted during the second or third quarters or figured some way to let all have that once-in-a-lifetime chance.
In the end, those coaches are taking the love of the game out of those girls who were not allowed to play. Sure, they celebrated, sure they were happy to win, but deep down, I am sure they were thinking and wondering, what is wrong with me? I am sure they felt out of it. I am sure they felt not a part of the team. Because playing makes you part of the team. Those coaches missed the point and did those girls wrong.
I say – Let the girl play ball!

-- Cornelia Seigneur
www.writermom.net